When You Can't Have Two - 3/5/2014 Part II

It's a plain white imagery
The first time we met
Not the slightest hesitation
Now the biggest revelation

It's a good old trick of reality
The more you try to forget
You want to bury that confusion
Find no answer, no explanation

So I'll write it down in my own sweet words
I'll write it down and send it to heaven
I'll take it home to my brand new world
I'll dream, I'll hope that it stays in heaven

And time alone can cure fantasy
It's a game you play and later regret
End the notes sang by temptation
This irony spelled by mere attraction

So write it down in your own sweet words
Write it down and send it to heaven
Take it home to a brand new world
Then dream and hope it stays in heaven

When You Can't Have Two - 3/3/2014

Ever wondered why the sun is brighter,
The fields are green and your smile is happier..
Ever wondered why it feels so colder
To see you go and know it's never
Never gonna wonder why it's easier
Just leave before it goes louder and harder
So just don't wonder why it's never better
To let the feeling grow is not as smarter as..

Let it go, stay behind the line, don't go there
Let it go, stay behind the line, don't go there
Not too far, no, not this time

I keep wondering why the sky is higher,
cold grass under my feet on a sunny weather..
I keep wondering why the air is tighter
And silence means "yes" it's easier
To see you go 'coz you know it's never
Never gonna show how you make me stronger
If you ask me why I'll write it in a letter
To keep the story going is not as smarter as..

Let it go, stay behind the line, don't go there
Let it go, stay behind the line, don't go there
Not too far, no, not this time
Let it go and close your eyes
Let's pretend it's too late in time

If I show you why I'm smiling
If I tell you where it's heading
Would you wonder why it's breaking me apart?
Let me show you what I'm feeling
Let me take you where I've been
Coz I wonder why it's tearing me apart

So I'll let it go..
Let it go, stay behind the line, won't go there
Let it go, stay behind the line, won't go there
Not too far, no
Not this time, no
I'll let it go.

When Do You Have to Go?

Storms follow the sun
The gone will rise and the restless runs

When do you have to go?

When do you have to go?
When the shores have dried,
And the honest lied?

Brother, look what you’ve done

Freedom’s lost and the soul is gone

When do you have to go?

When do you have to go?
When the ropes are tied,
And the living died?

Live a life how you want it to be

Take your heart out and let if free

Where do you need to go?

Where do you need to go?
To a thousand miles,
Or to a place you like?

People change when they begin to see

What the need is like or how strong it can be

Where do you need to go?

Where do you need to go?
To a place nearby,
Or somewhere up high?

Chase the night, break the silence

Turn off the lights, make no difference

What am I to you?

What am I to you?
When your pleasures flow,
I wait the end of the show.

Selfish is a man who never gets satisfied

The mind is donned to his own desires

What am I to you?

What am I to you?
For no gravity or force
Can ever be a rescue.

What I am to you is what you made of me

I shall pull the chains, make it clear to see.
Where I need to go is a journey everyday
When the sun is up I’ll be on my way.

Too Much

Too much of that love, she comes home drunk
Too much of your care and he’s no longer there
Life won’t explain to you its irony
When you’re confused, you’re confused
And you know you’re not free of uncertainty
When you wake up lost and confined in a bad memory.

Without your touch she walks out like a grump

Without her there he struggles in the cold air
When the wheels have turned its destiny
You are confronted, you are threatened
And when the heart tells you it’s unhappy
Fix the ship before you set sail out to the open sea.

Too much of this pain, she’ll run around in circles

Too much of your flame will set fire to the rain
Don’t go chasing big waves and anxiety
Unless you find remedy, you’ll never be cured
And you know there’s an easy way out to safety
When you learn to embrace imperfection sincerely.

Without that smile she will never be the same

Without this scar they would have never made it this far
Crossing the bridge of fire is not easy
When you’re terrified, you’re terrified
It’s a choice to step up and stand up sturdy
When you decide to make it last, make certain that it’s worthy.

7

ONE story of life began when light shone on the grass.
The leaves of trees with morning dews, the birds chirping, the day is new.
TWO people arose; they come wandering in the paradise.
Nature at its peace, beautiful blossoms, a fruitful feast.
THREE trials of deceit for many long days and countless ways.
The golden rules, the test of faith, the ridicule, opens the gate.
FOUR times of hardship and pain reveals the history of mankind.
The eyes now see, guilt is free, and shame sank in for you and me.
FIVE words “Ye shall not surely die” brought her forth to temptation.
And thunder roared angry as the clouds consume the garden’s glory.
SIX steps down now is the beast’s sanctuary.
He is cursed, he is blamed, while men were ousted and the verdict reigned.
SEVEN deeds of good to rebuke the iniquity.
Life ends in death now and death shadows who sin, somehow.

The Meeting

Six months had passed. It’s a cold and gloomy day in February and Anton sat alone in the café staring across the street. He was in deep thoughts when he unexpectedly put a grin on his face as he remembered something. Dawn is always either too late or too early. When he wants to catch up, she’s a little hesitant and moves the meeting every now and then for so many reasons. When she wants to catch up, she would send him letters, mails and texts endlessly until he’s finally annoyed enough to sit down and listen.

 

Finally, she made it. He helped her take off her coat and pulled her chair out to help her in. “Are you okay?” he asked. She stared at him questioningly and moved her brows up and down. “I’m fine, don’t worry”, she answered, “but there is nothing to be excited about”, she smiled.

 

“Of course”, Anton said with a smirk. “Nothing’s new, just like your being late”.

 

The next forty-five minutes is filled with stories and laughter. Dawn enjoys chatting about good memories and he is always there to read her out. It was a free afternoon and they both enjoyed good lunch, good coffee, and good talk. “You always have the good timing”, she told him, “like you know when to follow up and check...” She leaned back and looked away with a smile on her face. “This seat is as hot as my coffee.”

 

“Cut the crap”, Anton tittered, “you know exactly why we’re here.”

 

“And I don’t need you to tell me everything again. I’d like you to tell me how you’ve been. I want to know how you really feel. I want to see you through.”

 

She scratched her head a bit as her face turned blank. “What do you want to do?” Anton asked. “Look, I know you’ve been avoiding these thoughts because of so many things. But just be honest to yourself. What do you want?”

 

“Don’t psych me out, Anton”, she replied. “I’m already troubled with emotional stress and you know that.” She leaned forward and looked at him straight. “I can’t make plans. I’m a coward.”

 

“You know what I want?” he said. “I want to settle down. And most of all, I want to end your worries and anxieties. This is what I want. I just want you to be truly happy.” He looked at her with sad eyes. “It’s been unfair. It’s been really ironic. I’m not telling you to let go of what you have right now. I just want you to realize that it’s about time. It’s time to utilize them.”

 

“You know very well that I’ve thought about that.” Dawn said. “It’s not easy, and I’m scared, and I’m—“

 

“Not the same excuses, Dawn.” Anton interrupted. “Stop waiting and start doing. Aren’t you sick and tired of that?” He touched her hand and sighed. “I am.”

 

She looked at him uneasily. Anton knows everything about her. He knows every single thought forming inside her head. She can’t lie nor keep a secret from him. And all the subjects she tries to swerve away from, he knows why.

 

“Look at you.” Anton said to her. “You actually think you’re happy.” He touched her face and lowered down his voice. “I know you’re not completely happy.” Dawn looked down and didn’t know what to say.

 

“You know it deep inside you. You think you live your life because you are temporarily enjoying a drink or two. You think you’ve made it because you have a job that supports you. You think happiness is when you smile in front of these people and pretend you’re content when you’re not.”

 

“These are the little joys I have,” she uttered. “I don’t see anything fake in that.”

 

“I know what you mean”, she added. “And I know you don’t need to ask how I feel. I’m not ready in any way. And even if I enumerated everything I want to happen it’s going to be useless. I just want to stay where I am right now and live from there. You know what’s making me sad? It’s when you force me to think of a future that doesn’t even exist.”

 

“You want this future”, Anton replied.

 

“But it’s not possible.”

 

“Then change it.”

 

Dawn moved back and stared at him in slight curiosity. “You can’t just say that”, she started again. “You know you’re asking me to give up stuff for what, an uncertain place to go? Anton…”

 

“I am asking you to give up the uncertainties and aim a clearer goal line”, Anton said as he leaned forward. “This is for us. Our lives aren’t fairytales and dreams, Dawn. For once, think about yourself and how you want the future to be.”

 

She held her espresso cup close to her lip to take a sip but put it back down. Anton held her hand and smiled. “Now don’t worry. Talks like this make us really think so hard. I just feel like, you have this fear and confusion. I feel like you disappoint yourself a lot and look at it as a failure. I want to stop your frustrations and make you choose a different path. It’s not going to be easy as I say it, but I know I make sense.”

 

Dawn smiled. She’s never comfortable when discussions about her life become serious. She knew conversations with Anton will always lead to same little arguments so she tried to end it the same way she would. “Let me go with the flow”, she said to him. “Anton, let’s just let things happen. We can make plans and dream dreams but you can see what’s in front of me. It’s a tiny little street with question-marked signboards. I’m always faced with questions, always faced with insecurities and unless I find solutions to that I’ll never make it to the big city.”

 

“I knew you were going to give me one of these”, Anton grinned. “I knew it.” He was quiet for five seconds before he said, “you’re not searching for answers, so when do you expect to get them? One day you see them crawling towards you? From here you make it to the big city because you’ll drive.” From then he got a little motivated to go further. “If you don’t have the car you’ll take the bus. Take the train. Maybe even take the plane. There are so many ways if you just want it. So look into it and I’ll be there with you. Let’s make that change now. Please.”

 

Dawn looked at him with teary eyes. She giggled. “Give me more time”, she said before she took a deep breath. “I know it can’t stay like this for the rest of time, but, I need to figure out so many things. I feel like…I also need to figure myself out.” She bit her lower lip and thought deeply. “We can talk as many metaphors as we like or not. We can read each other as much as we want. We can do that. But I’m left with no choice. I’ll take it slow.”

 

Anton sighed. His aim was to hear her finally give him a different answer. But it’s not happening now. It looks like Dawn is experiencing a lot of issues that need to be resolved before she can move forward.

 

“I want to understand you, and I do, Dawn” he started. “But it’s been like this for so long now. And I can no longer take it in sometimes. I can give you what you want. But do me favor and think about this real hard. Do not be deceived by the many things you can grab at the moment. When you miss them out, it doesn’t mean you lost. Put your head up straight and look farther ahead. What is that thing you want to enjoy in the end? Work on it. Remember when we were kids… you imagined so many things, you longed to achieve this and have that. And now we’re still standing here, Dawn. This isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s like time has left us.” Anton placed his hands together and waited for Dawn to say something.

 

“Alright”, she said slowly. “You never really get tired of giving me the same speech.”

 

Anton smiled. “That’s my role”, he answered. “And I’ll do it a million times today if I have to just to make you realize.” Dawn smiled at him.

 

“This is why I’m glad you’re there. I know you want to kill me for being pigheaded but at the back of your head you’d still want to guard me. Stop worrying, Anton.” She stood up and moved next to him. “I can handle myself. I promise you I will not let anything or anybody hurt us. Let’s just—let’s look at the brighter side of things. I’m pretty messed up and you want to fix me, and I like that. But there are so many little reasons to be happy, right? Why the hell should we not take them and just work our asses out for what’s on the other side of the road? I know you’re worried about me and what’s ahead, but I’ll take full responsibility. Come hell or high waters.”

 

Anton turned to her and raised a brow. “And cry to me when you flunk? Where do you go when it hurts too much? To me. And it’s going to beat me up inside again?”

 

Dawn chuckled. “Come on. You’re a gambler. You’re just as clumsy as I am sometimes. You know what? I may be weak, but I can be fierce. I just need to align myself with the right determination and everything will be clear enough for both our naked eyes.” She tapped him on the shoulder and smiled as she leaned her head on it.

 

“I really hope that happens soon.” Anton said. “I’m excited to see how we will be. Till then, you’re going to have to take care of yourself.”

 

“Don’t ever let anybody hurt you”, he added. “Don’t live your life for other people. Live your life for yourself.” He leaned his head on hers. “Never ever forget that.”

INSPIRATION

I sit still and wait.
I await that special hymn.
I touch my nose with my index finger,
As I let courage flow down my veins.

Come melody and harmony

Awaken my spirit, open my mind;
Fill me with gladness and give me the sign
Show me the words I couldn’t find.

And I’m ready to strike the pen

Slowly I feel it in my senses
Unexplainable as free-falling
And the engine shuffles my tenses

Come spontaneity and vocabulary

Not words of wisdom but thoughts of the soul;
Color them art with no anxiety,
Down to my last piece or to the tip of the goal.

Now my legs are numb.

I’ve been carried away so fast.
But I fight the urge to close my eyes,
For tonight I’m bound to have a blast.

At last, fallacy and reality

I shall go on ‘til I run out of ink;
There is beauty when you grasp the mood
Feel your heart float, feel your world sink.

So I sit still and wait.

I await you, my special friend.
I will sing to you what I write,
A love story that will never end.

Cry

So there it swings by again, like sweet musky aroma
I caught it but it seized me first
That evening in Mi Vida
It’s enchanting once again, this music playing
My heart goes drowning in thirst
The day it stopped raining

You wipe the tears you brought my eyes

No one to blame, to take the pain
Take a good look inside
What do you see? What do you find?
Petty little sorrows that occupy
In all our days, the mess and haze
I will not promise not to cry

So there it is it stung again, poisoned there I lay

I don’t care much if it’s not heaven
Here is where I want to stay
It’s paralyzing once again, cold wind blowing
The molds of despair they thicken
‘Cause it never stopped raining

And you wipe the tears you brought my eyes
It’s such a shame to lose my sane
Take a good look inside
I set it free; rake what you find
Shiny little diamonds called ‘time’
For all our days, the mist and blaze
I refuse to be stupefied

So there it goes again, like noises and echoes

And when I’m weak I fake to be strong
Your silent strikes and painful blows
It’s ironic once again, emotions bleeding
And memories play like love songs
While the sun cuddles the rain

But you wipe the tears you brought my eyes
I can’t fight, no I can’t gain
Let me take a good look inside
We know there’s nothing left to hide
A passionate sin this love of mine
To all our dreams, the give and take
I know I can’t promise not to cry

*Running Up the Hill

It doesn't hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You, it's you and me.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
there is thunder in our hearts.

Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, it's you and me.
It's you and me, won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could...

"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, ..."

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

The Refuge

Those fingers are hyper again.

And the mind has found inspiration.
That empty heart that knocks on the stranger’s door.

That cup on top of the wooden table.

Fill it up into satisfaction.
This empty space in an old forgotten home.

Light up the dark as he enters the room.

He brings nothing but complication.
That lonely soul he revisits every day.

A year has passed again.

And the words have worn out into incarceration.
The lonely man has found refuge in this conviction.

The skies are blue while it rains.

Thunder roars in its consummation.
But that sturdy heart rests on his shadow.

This is right but this is wrong.

The mind has lost all full control.
He whispers his arrival with scattered flames and abomination.

But the grip is made of bombs and bones.

The stronger it holds the mightier he goes.
That sturdy heart is wounded after all.

They are all warriors of warfare.

And they are stranded on the same ground.
Their empty hearts have left to find the taking.

Those tears are falling again.

And the mind is fighting with deception.
That lonely place of silence and fear.

That dose he left on the glass table.

A temporary high of pure attention.
The weak soul is confined begging for cure.

Cheer up the gloom as the memory dances.

He gives nothing but affection.
The aching heart is mended anyway.

Time has passed again.

The refuge rooted from misconception.
That dainty image is scarred with imperfection.

The man is confused again.

The wreckages were made to new construction.
That elusive scenery painted with guilt.

This is the beauty of his song.

When the heart finds nowhere to belong.
He takes away the pain like evanescent exultation.